Feeling Unsure about future
We all have been there, kind of worried about our future, thinking thoughts like, will I get that job? will I like that job? do I really want to do a 9–5 job? should I start something of my own? even if I do, would I be successful at it? my friends have got their life sorted out, why am I like this? why can’t I live like a normal person??
Maybe you have had these thoughts, or maybe I am the crazy one here, but I think it’s okay to have these thoughts. It’s okay to be unsure about our future, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable as long as you’re not being too hard on yourself.
I have suffered from severe depression, I know what it feels like to have constant negative thoughts, even thoughts like killing yourself. There was a time when I had planned on how exactly I would kill myself. But I am glad that I didn’t and got out of depression. It was one hell of an experience I must say and I felt that now that I have gone through such an extreme experience, I won’t experience anything like this ever again, at least not that severe.
But I was wrong, I feel that it is coming back, not exactly like my previous experience, but I can sense the same thinking patterns as they were the last time. I know that I have been through worse, and this shall also pass, because I know what it feels like to be happy, I know that feeling, I have experienced it before. When you’re in that happy place, it all makes sense, all the suffering, all the extreme thoughts, it all feels like it was worth the pain.
I remember feeling so elated at one point of time in my journey that it felt like I was so alive! everything was beautiful, the mornings were great, I would wake up with a new hope every day that this day is going to be even greater than the previous one. And let me tell you, this was after I had suffered from severe depression.
I am again feeling low these days, getting up from bed is a task now, anxiety is blowing off the roof, constant headaches and pain all over the body, and all of this just because of thoughts. Makes you wonder what this mind of ours can do to your body if you don’t really take care of your mental health and take everything so seriously. I know why it’s happening, I am thinking too much about my future and in a catastrophizing way. I know I should have stopped the moment such thoughts started to come but I guess it was inevitable. Now sometimes I think, will I always be like this? is this how I am gonna live my life now?
I think it’s our body’s way of saying that there is something wrong in the way that you’re thinking and maybe it’s time you reevaluate your values and let go of some things. I am working on that, and I hope I get to a better place soon, and I know I will, because it always gets better, always.
