Got a gift from my old self today…

Nostalgia…

While searching for my keys in an old drawer, I found this.

A little diary.

It was the summer of 2016, I was in the second year of college in Chennai. I was tired of my struggle with speaking English.

Everyone around me was too good at speaking this language. I had studied this language my whole life, but I was short of words when I tried to speak.

I stammered, jittered, and got anxious and sweaty whenever I tried to speak.

It was the first day of English class and out of 70 students, 5 were chosen to speak on the spot about themselves, like a short introduction.

I was among the 5 unlucky ones… or the lucky ones? Who knows!

My legs were trembling as I walked towards the stage. All 69 eyes on me, plus an extra eye of our teacher, pin-drop silence.

Out of all the faces in front of me, I thought I’d just stare at this friend I made 10 minutes ago.

I started spitting words out from my shaky mouth. My voice was too low to be heard at the back of the class.

“Be loud!”, the teacher exclaimed.

Fuck you! I replied. (in my mind obviously)

I got a bit loud, still struggling to speak, and after 2 mins, which seemed like 20, it was over.

The class applauded, as they did for everyone else.

Instead of accepting the applause, I thought, what a fake ass people, they’re applauding for this disaster.

I couldn’t even accept the praise that was thrown at me.

Self-worth issues… Since childhood.

That day I realised, I had to do something about this English language. Everyone seemed very comfortable speaking it.

That was when I started this book.

I read it and wrote every word and word root in this little diary.

I know my writing sucks… But I can understand it, and that’s all that matters.

It didn’t improve my speaking English, but it definitely increased my vocabulary.

It helped me read books that others considered “HIGH LEVEL”.

It helped me ace the placement exams, CAT exam and various other competitive tests.

Fast forward to today, I think my comprehension is pretttttyy good, all thanks to my old self.

I am proud of myself for making the decision to improve.

Small steps like these help in the long run. And no one will be there to appreciate you for taking these steps.

You and only you have to appreciate yourself.

Thanks a lot, Sarthak, I am proud of your decisions.

With love,

Sarthak Mirchandani