Things do get better!
Today, I just randomly went on my medium account and saw this post that I had written two years ago. You can read it here.
I remember at that time I was suffering from crippling anxiety every day. It was the beginning of my depressive episode, and little had I known at that time that it would last another 8 months. As I read through the words, it all came back, those feelings of extreme hollowness, nausea, anxiety, and breathlessness. I could feel myself in that phase, feeling defeated, hopeless about everything, and hating myself.
Little did I know that later that year my suicidal thoughts would be back to haunt me. Do you know what the weirdest part is? In 2019, and half of 2020, I had gone through a phase of extreme suicidal thoughts, so much so that I had literally planned the way to kill myself. Getting over that was a separate story but I had accomplished that! I had defeated those thoughts at that time and I was absolutely confident that I would never ever feel this way again.
But when I started to feel those sensations and thoughts again, I reminded myself that these are just thoughts, nothing else, you have defeated them before! It is just your mind playing tricks, you don't have to believe them.
Even after constantly reminding myself of these facts, it was making no difference! I was still feeling suicidal and somehow this feeling gave me peace, thinking that at least all of this pain would be over once I die. I have cried endlessly, contemplating the consequences of my death, thinking about a hopeless and failed future, and a lot of other gloomy stuff.
This is the picture of my 25th Birthday. My family organized a surprise birthday party for me, inviting all my close relatives and family friends. This was on a hotel’s terrace and amidst all this, I was still so depressed that I caught myself thinking about jumping off the terrace. It was one of the hardest days because I had to pretend to be okay in front of all these people.
What a lovely way to celebrate your 25th birthday isn't it? And, when you are depressed, you feel so worthless that asking someone to do even a little task for you seems like a huge thing to ask. Now imagine people throwing a big ass birthday party for you. All I was wondering at that time was if I even deserved this.
But I got better, I overcame that atrocious feeling somehow and here I am after two years, writing about it. I can’t emphasize how much of a role my friends played in my journey. Always with me, ready to hear my incessant rant about life even at 3 in the morning, coming to meet me when I refused to get out of my house. I wish they never experience something like this and even if they do, they have me, ALWAYS.
Later that year, I would be diagnosed as suffering from Bipolar disorder.
I have been taking medication for that since last year and I would say things have changed. Maybe it is because of the medications but I am in a lot better place now. I do experience anxiety almost daily, but I have accepted that as a part of my life now.
Life is good, I do have problems and insecurities related to my career, relationships, and life, but who doesn’t? I try not to take my thoughts too seriously, because, in the end, the only thing that matters is your own happiness, though as elusive as it might be.
One thing that I have learned from this brutal experience is that no matter what, things get better, just hang in there.
Sarthak Mirchandani
