You sure you’re not a People Pleaser? (Part-1)

Why do we indulge in people pleasing and what to do about it

Do you…?

• struggle to say no to people, even to good friends
• make your choices based on other people’s opinions
• tend to avoid conflict even if something goes against your values
• apologize a lot, even if it’s not your fault
• leave the last bite for someone else to have even if you wanted it for yourself
• struggle to truly express yourself and think that if you do then people might see that you’re unworthy and probably leave
• need drugs to truly be yourself so that you can blame it on the drug
• think you are sometimes toooooooooooooo nice?

The list goes on and on…

Now that I think about it, I have been a people pleaser my whole life! my whole fucking life… until recently I had this epiphany and something changed (more on that some other day).

Always agreeing with people, not calling them out even if I know they are wrong, never truly expressing myself, shying away from basic conversations, etc, etc, etc…

I won’t say that I have totally overcome this thing, but if my People Pleasing tendencies were at 8 out of 10, now they’re at 2 and the aim is to reach 0.

It will obviously take time to understand this affliction let alone overcome it. But as I always say… Awareness is the first step.

What goes on inside the head of a People Pleaser?

People pleasers (PPs) are motivated by strong desires for approval and external validation. They try too hard to keep others around them happy, even at the expense of their own happiness. They tend to have low self-esteem and self-worth and they just hate to be a burden on anyone…

They would rarely ask someone for help unless it’s an emergency but will always be ready to help others. This could be because somewhere deep down they believe that others are more in need and deserving. (again, low self-worth)

PPs will rarely get into conflict with anyone. They tend to avoid it at all. I can’t even remember the last time I had a conflict with anyone(except the small fights with my sister). And this was all because I didn’t feel worthy at all to be able to make a point. “It was probably my fault”, I would wonder.

I still vividly remember the time when during my school days, this one kid made fun of my mother in a very disrespectful way and in front of everyone. As soon as he said those words everyone around me just kept looking at me, expecting me to say something but I couldn’t. Waves of anger, sadness, and guilt overcame me but… I just laughed it off and stayed silent. My self-worth and confidence were wayyyyyyyy too low to even react to something like this…

PPs are overly generous. They will go above and beyond to help others. Now obviously it’s okay to want to do nice things for other people, I love to do that. The problem arises when you do those things at the cost of your happiness.

They don’t like to say “No”. Instead of saying a clear No, they might say “Maybe…” or “Yaa, I’ll see..”. As a former people-pleasing champion, I can definitely back up the fact of how stressful this can be.

It might cost them their own well-being, time, and resources. I remember recently saying “yes” to meeting three different friends who didn’t know each other. I had to plan my whole day to make time for meeting each one of them, making sure I don’t overlap, and it got sooooo overwhelming and exhausting!

Maybe your friends call you to tag along with them to a bar, but you wanted to clean your room or cook or anything, but you just can’t say no! There’s so much internal resistance when you even think of making excuses that you just end up going with them. You might think that if you say “NO”, they might not even invite you the next time.

PPs care a lot about what other’s think about them. A lot!! They feel like everyone is just thinking about them all the time, criticizing them, judging them, making fun maybe? gossiping?

I remember every time I used to be late for class and had to enter the classroom alone, I would get so anxious that I would literally feel my heart throbbing against my chest. Why? Because I was extremely self-conscious of my insecurities and thought that everyone would judge me and make fun of me. (poor little me…)

PPs tend to be perfectionists. “I have to be perfect in everything otherwise people will not like me”, this is what goes on inside their minds.

Recognizing people-pleasing tendencies is crucial, and if you just keep living that way then you will, over time. lose your own self-respect and that can have a significant impact on your mental health.

I did this to myself for years and years, and I would feel upset, depressed, and disappointed.

Not anymore…

Where does this tendency originate from?

Usually, people-pleasing tendencies stem from our low-self esteem and insecurities which were caused by our childhood traumas.

In most cases, it starts at home, with our parents. In early childhood, parental emotional inconsistency is what causes people to people-please. The child then, not knowing how else to secure and maintain love, does all he or she can to earn a parent’s love.

This makes the child follow his parent’s dream for him and their values in order to remain under a good impression, and all of this happens subconsciously. This results in the child becoming a perfectionist. The child becomes less interested in exploring who he is and more interested in learning about what others want him to be.

Because if he behaves as society tells him to, then he can be loved forever! This then spills over to other areas of life and starts affecting his mental health until it escalates to full-blown depression.

It might sound a bit far-fetched but this is what happens to the most of us. Yes, I may be wrong here, feel free to discuss anything in the comments, I am more than willing to have a healthy discussion on these topics.

After early childhood, we enter school. Now kids who were neglected, mistreated and abused by the people around them try their best to remain subservient and silent to avoid conflict and get better treatment from others. This bullying and neglect makes them internalize this belief that “I am not good enough”, which is a total lie… completely false…

I believed this shit for years and years… Bullshit!

This then further makes you doubt yourself, and your abilities, you become shy, stop going out much, you think “ Maybe I’m an introvert, and this is who I am now”. Nope Nope and Nope.

Yes, you can be an introvert, but with healthy boundaries. You can stay in your room the whole day! but only if you want to, not because you feel you’re not worthy of making friends and going out with people. This should come from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.

Okay, let’s assume that people are judging you… so what? I recently found out that any disturbing thought only holds power over you until you let it.

Start with a WHY, Why do you care what anyone thinks about you? What is the thing that you are so insecure about that you feel everyone will notice and judge you on? Why are you insecure about that thing? Who told you that you must feel insecure about that thing? Why should you believe them? What makes you think they know any better? (they don’t!)

Keep talking to this little voice inside you which, with no fault of its own, has been conditioned by this fucking society and is making your life miserable!

Keep asking it questions and I bet it will run out of answers and after a point, all that would be left will be — “ You just bought into this thinking because of your surroundings, upbringing, environment, people, and society”

But nope… you can’t just blame it on everyone else, it’s not their fault too! They too have been conditioned by their generation, and probably never questioned the beliefs and transferred the same shit to you.

Had it not been for all this knowledge database available to us, the books I’ve read, podcasts, articles, youtube videos… I probably would have been the same old person. We have the tools today to learn and explore any and everything, so why not use them to change for the better and live the only life we have on this speck of dust happily?

Yes, some people are living a happy life sticking to these norms and yes, please continue! Do good things, help each other, but don’t push your beliefs and be the reason for someone else’s unhappiness.

Real-Life Example…

A couple of months back I came across this reel that said what if someone comes to you and makes fun of your blue hair saying, “ Fuck your blue hair”.

Will you be offended?

You know for a fact that you don’t have blue hair, you didn’t dye your hair blue, you just have normal hair but that person just keeps insulting your blue hair.

Again, will you be offended?

You won’t!!!!

Because you KNOW for a fact that you don’t have blue hair! So there’s no point in becoming upset about that insult.

Now… If someone says that you are not good enough, or that you suck! Obviously, some kind of resistance will show up because of the conditioning of so many years, but you don’t have to believe that!
You will only be affected by this insult if somewhere deep down you believe that you are not good enough.

Let me give an example. Since I am an outspoken atheist, I recently commented on an Instagram post which was about religion and politics. Almost 100 people replied to my comment insulting me, abusing me, laughing at me and making fun of me. Some people applauded me too, but they were in the minority.

I didn’t even flinch, I just laughed it off.

WHY??

Because I was convinced to my core that I was right. I have consumed enough content on this topic that I can defend my position and make a rational argument. And I did have some healthy discussions with some sane people too!
But the point is, the insults didn’t affect me at all, because deep down I knew I was right.

You know you don’t have blue hair, so you can never feel low if someone comments on it. Just like that if you know that you are good enough, that whatever negative beliefs and thoughts you have about yourself are just the product of childhood conditioning and society, then nothing can affect you.

Anything can only affect you if you yourself are unsure about it.

Pause and reflect on this.

It has already been a long article, I’ll write about the small steps that you can take to overcome this affliction in the next part. Do subscribe to my substack to get it directly in your email!

Do let me know if liked it and feel free to discuss something! Totally open to having a healthy discussion.

DM me on Instagram if you would like to share a personal experience!

And as always, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Sarthak Mirchandani